One thing brides and grooms do is plan weddings. Exhaustively. Obsessively. Perfectly. The overweening goal being that of a flawless, perfect, magical, memorable day. A perfect wedding. A perfect day. A wonderful honeymoon.
And it's no wonder. Your wedding is a huge event, both as a party and as a marker in adult life. A once in a life time moment. On top of that, there's a massive wedding industry built around keeping you busy (and increasingly broke!) as you approach your wedding date. In fact, in 2013 American couples spent over 51 Billion--yes, Billion with a "B"--dollars on their weddings and wedding related events. Goodness! That's a lot of down payments on first homes, right there. But what is that money buying you?
And it's no wonder. Your wedding is a huge event, both as a party and as a marker in adult life. A once in a life time moment. On top of that, there's a massive wedding industry built around keeping you busy (and increasingly broke!) as you approach your wedding date. In fact, in 2013 American couples spent over 51 Billion--yes, Billion with a "B"--dollars on their weddings and wedding related events. Goodness! That's a lot of down payments on first homes, right there. But what is that money buying you?
It's Easy To Get Really Side-tracked And Bedazzled By The Wedding Whirlwind.
Between the months of endless shopping for dresses, suits, wedding party gifts, DJs, photographers, invitations, florists, honeymoon packages, and venues we sandwich marathon tasting appointments, internet searches, and late night forays into Pinterest. Entire wedding parties, including moms and dads are working out weekly with fitness experts (how awesome is that!?) for months prior to the big day. Couples are taking dancing lessons (also awesome!) and choreographing their first dance. Everyone is hoping to end up on YouTube without the whole falling into the cake or the pool bit. And don't forget the wedding favors. Or the videographer! There are the showers, the parties, the endless to-do lists. The bridal registry. Oh, and of course there's the ring! How can we forget that? The teeth whitening and straightening. The hair. And then the rest of the rings. It's exciting. Exhilarating. Exhausting. Expensive.
And entirely designed to put you abso-freaking-lutely to sleep. Completely.
And entirely designed to put you abso-freaking-lutely to sleep. Completely.
Yes, Your Wedding Is Designed to Put You To Sleep!
Unless we are wide awake to the possibility, we can use our weddings to fall asleep to the reality of what we're actually engaged in doing. Starting a life together. Building our own family unit, whatever that is going to look like. Merging two disparate tribes together. Yes, this is still a thing. We can schedule ourselves so completely with 12-18 months of wedding planning that we lose touch with what it's all about and where this is heading. Not just down the aisle, but down the road for the next 60 years. Together. With all that means. Forever. On top of that, we can become a bit disconnected from our partner in all the hubbub and the weird activating family chaos that weddings and funerals (interestingly enough) seem to bring up.
Of Course We Know What We're Doing! If We Didn't Think We Knew, We Wouldn't Be Doing It In The First Place.
Yeah, I know.
We understand it on the surface, of course. We're getting married! Everyone knows what that means! Don't they? You'd think so, but I can tell you as a licensed marriage and family therapist, as a professional Relationship Whisperer, as someone who has been sitting with Orange County couples for the last thirteen years, couples don't take enough time to examine what marriage means to them as a couple and individually. The thinking time has been designed out of the whole wedding planning deal. These unexamined dreams, expectations, and assumptions are the rocks marriages crash on five, ten, fifteen years down the line.
We understand it on the surface, of course. We're getting married! Everyone knows what that means! Don't they? You'd think so, but I can tell you as a licensed marriage and family therapist, as a professional Relationship Whisperer, as someone who has been sitting with Orange County couples for the last thirteen years, couples don't take enough time to examine what marriage means to them as a couple and individually. The thinking time has been designed out of the whole wedding planning deal. These unexamined dreams, expectations, and assumptions are the rocks marriages crash on five, ten, fifteen years down the line.
So, Are You Curious ABout The Number One Reason You Should Never Ever Do Premarital Counseling? Ever?
Really? Dudes and Dudettes (and Dudes and Dudes and Dudettes and Dudettes), there is one primary reason couples don't do premarital counseling. There's only one reason couples don't line up to buy this extra bit of relational insurance. There's only one reason why you don't sit down and explore and resolve the possible pitfalls in your marriage before they happen. There's one and one reason only you don't do the single best proactive thing you can do for your married life after you did the down-on-bended-knee-oh!-yes-I-will-thing.
Just The Sound Of the Words "Premarital Counseling" Is Freaking Terrifying!
I mean, what if you discover you're not perfect for each other? What if you have a big fight and it ruins everything? What if you have to talk about the hard to resolve issues like money, sex, family planning, YOUR MOTHER!?
Here's the thing, all that stuff is going to come up anyway over the course of your marriage. Over the course of your first year of marriage. And every year after that. No matter how perfect you are for each other. No matter how much you love each other. No matter how big your Big Love is. Because, my dears, that's marriage in a nutshell. Kinda great. Kinda messy. Kinda long. Unless it's not. Long.
Here's the thing, all that stuff is going to come up anyway over the course of your marriage. Over the course of your first year of marriage. And every year after that. No matter how perfect you are for each other. No matter how much you love each other. No matter how big your Big Love is. Because, my dears, that's marriage in a nutshell. Kinda great. Kinda messy. Kinda long. Unless it's not. Long.
Couples Who Have Premarital Counseling Report higher Levels of Marital Satisfaction and Are 30% Less Likely To Divorce Over The First Five Years of Marriage.
Whoa! Let that sink in. Can your wedding planner give you a prediction of success as important as that?
It turns out the scariest thing that's not on your wedding planning list is the one thing you actually really need to support your long-term success. Premarital Counseling.
Premarital Counseling gives you the opportunity to explore multiple issues across every area of your married life. Many are issues most couples somehow forget to even talk about. You'll have the chance to identify and even resolve some of these things before you walk down the aisle. You can take a sober loving and compassionate look at the areas of your relationship you'll want to develop better skills for negotiating. You can take a few hours and do the one thing that will make all the rest of this joyous, stressful, wonderful nuts-ness worthwhile and pay off in the long-term. Secure your marriage by attending to it first.
It turns out the scariest thing that's not on your wedding planning list is the one thing you actually really need to support your long-term success. Premarital Counseling.
Premarital Counseling gives you the opportunity to explore multiple issues across every area of your married life. Many are issues most couples somehow forget to even talk about. You'll have the chance to identify and even resolve some of these things before you walk down the aisle. You can take a sober loving and compassionate look at the areas of your relationship you'll want to develop better skills for negotiating. You can take a few hours and do the one thing that will make all the rest of this joyous, stressful, wonderful nuts-ness worthwhile and pay off in the long-term. Secure your marriage by attending to it first.
So, Have Your Big Beautiful Party! And Your Perfect Day. And Attend to The Long-Term Health Of Your Relationship As You Do So.
In addition to my work with all kinds of couples for the last decade plus, I've seen one thing that is consistently true. Unexamined expectations and assumptions, even unconsciously held ones, are the tripping points later on. Identifying them and addressing them in loving and supported ways is the primary thing you can do to insure the wholeness, happiness, well-being, and satisfaction of your very important relationship. We can do it later. True. And I see that a lot in my office. But it is such a gift to lay this groundwork now and build a solid foundation for your lives together from the very beginning.
I use a time-tested, efficacy-based program, Prepare/Enrich, to evaluate and support all my premarital couples. If you're interested in chatting more with me about the value of premarital counseling for you and your intended, please take advantage of my complimentary 15 minute consult and give me a call. 714.914.5565
I use a time-tested, efficacy-based program, Prepare/Enrich, to evaluate and support all my premarital couples. If you're interested in chatting more with me about the value of premarital counseling for you and your intended, please take advantage of my complimentary 15 minute consult and give me a call. 714.914.5565
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