Photo by Victoria Wallace Schlicht, LMFT, SEP Chances are, by now you have heard about Marie Kondo, her new special on Netflix, Tidying Up, or her book, The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. Marie Kondo and her work, known by devotees as KonMari, is literally everywhere right now. Taking the world by storm. Or at least your social media feed. The truth is, right now you can still hide in your piles of stuff, but it is unlikely you can completely hide from Marie Kondo. Why so much noise about managing our stuff?
Managing Life.
Managing life, managing stuff, managing tasks, managing money, managing schedules, managing relationships, managing who does what, and keeping ahead of the game is often a topic coming up in life and therefore in therapy. Especially for the highly anxious adults I work with. Demanding perfection of ourselves and others, overextending ourselves, not knowing how to say an effective and appropriate "No" to requests (Ah! boundaries!), can lead to a state of anxious overwhelm. Even panic. Or impact our relationships with partners and family members. So, it's a thing. All our stuff and how we feel about our tasks, managing our overwhelm, and trying to keep all those plates spinning in the air is a great big ol' thing.
What Is KonMari?
Marie Kondo's work hit the US market in a big way in the fall of 2014, although I didn't come across her until the following year. Having long been a student of de-cluttering and down-sizing, as a years-long follower of Flylady (that's another story for another time), I felt there probably wasn't a lot I was going to learn through KonMari. I was game, though. And I was also wrong. There was plenty to learn.
On the face of it, KonMari is just another system for sorting through your life and belongings and letting go of the extraneous. In the actual experience of practicing the technique, however, there is a deeply psychological and emotional process potentially in play. Or, so I found.
On the face of it, KonMari is just another system for sorting through your life and belongings and letting go of the extraneous. In the actual experience of practicing the technique, however, there is a deeply psychological and emotional process potentially in play. Or, so I found.
First, I Tried KonMari Myself.
Rather than old tropes about not keeping clothes or items you haven't used in a certain period of time, or lists about the number of things you can keep in any given category, Kondo concentrates on what "sparks joy" or gives you a little lift. Step by step, KonMari leads you through a systematic process, starting with clothes and ending with sentimental items, all the while honing your ability to notice what brings you happiness. Building your emotional muscle for making decisions and feeling into your preferences. We keep items and pieces of clothing for lots of reasons, but not always because they actually make us feel good about our lives and ourselves. In fact, we may not notice how items make us feel at all.
Prior to KonMari, I believed I had edited my belongings down pretty well, however what I found during the process surprised me. I had some beautiful things I liked, but when I actually took the time, touched them, contemplated them one by one, felt into them, and felt into my somatic responses, there were a few pieces that didn’t actually carry beautiful memories to complement their good looks. Who knew? I let them go. The end result is I felt immeasurably lighter myself. And my environment became lighter and more embracing. More uplifting. It’s hard to ignore.
Prior to KonMari, I believed I had edited my belongings down pretty well, however what I found during the process surprised me. I had some beautiful things I liked, but when I actually took the time, touched them, contemplated them one by one, felt into them, and felt into my somatic responses, there were a few pieces that didn’t actually carry beautiful memories to complement their good looks. Who knew? I let them go. The end result is I felt immeasurably lighter myself. And my environment became lighter and more embracing. More uplifting. It’s hard to ignore.
As with so many other things, when I find something that works or inspires me, I will share it with clients when it is appropriate to do so. I’ve been providing Marie Kondo’s books as a referral for clients for the last four years. When I do so, I prepare them, just as I will prepare you here.
There's A Somatic Connection
As a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (SEP) and body-oriented psychotherapist, I was drawn to KonMari because there is a nice somatic piece at the base of it: Feeling your joy and feeling it in your body. A great deal of my work as a somatic therapist is teaching folks to become conversant with their bodies. To notice the subtle early warning signs it gives at the approach of anxiety, yes, but even more important, to notice what is okay, good, and even great in the body at any given time. It is always there. That innate sense of well-being. Often, we need to learn to find it and notice it, because it is quiet.
A process like KonMari, that asks us to notice the presence of happiness in our body, or lack of it, with every item in our home, is a lovely and productive way to bring this body-oriented attention to the fore. Such a sweet and easy way to reconnect to your body intelligence. That self-knowing and inner awareness is precious and has the potential to change and inform every area of your life. This is what I love about Somatic Experiencing. It is what I love about the KonMari method, too. The principles of identifying and embracing pleasure, while they may stand in direct contrast to our historical and puritanical sensibilities, are a real road to loving ourselves and life and loving ourselves into Life. Invaluable. Stealth. Healing. Right. There.
A process like KonMari, that asks us to notice the presence of happiness in our body, or lack of it, with every item in our home, is a lovely and productive way to bring this body-oriented attention to the fore. Such a sweet and easy way to reconnect to your body intelligence. That self-knowing and inner awareness is precious and has the potential to change and inform every area of your life. This is what I love about Somatic Experiencing. It is what I love about the KonMari method, too. The principles of identifying and embracing pleasure, while they may stand in direct contrast to our historical and puritanical sensibilities, are a real road to loving ourselves and life and loving ourselves into Life. Invaluable. Stealth. Healing. Right. There.
The Healing Nature Of KonMari.
Marie Kondo begins with the end in mind. Much like therapy. What kind of life do you want to create? How do you want to feel when you enter your home? When you start your day? With this in mind, you start your journey, which Kondo refers to as a “Tidying Festival.” I know, pretty twee, right? Once you’re going, however, it IS invigorating and fun. And it is an event. Be prepared to take some time with this, because it is a thoughtful process and it takes time. Months, even.
This is a psychological and emotional process. Be prepared to feel the feels. Be prepared to do the work of coming to terms with some of your past relationships and experiences. You never have to let go of an item, you never have to toss a piece of clothing, because it is out of style, too small, or worn out. Not if it still sparks a feeling of joy or exuberance. This isn't about minimalism or getting rid of things, it is about choosing what you want to bring forward with you into the next part of your life. In the process of going through literally every item you own, touching it, and making a decision about whether you want it (or need it—sometimes joy is in the function of your screw driver, not its beauty!), you will be reviewing many memories and the history of your life and choices. It can be confronting. It can be comforting. It can definitely be freeing. When you’re done, you have a home that is a refuge and lifts and embraces you on your way through the door.
Sure, you will know where literally every item is located. You will have kissed your junk drawer goodbye and brought the spare room to heel. More importantly, you will have lightened your physical and psychological load. For those going through even part of the process, I observe a new way of seeing life, personal history, and belongings emerge. You can come to a greater sense of peace and resolution. Less anxiety. More calm. Feeling freer to move forward. More able to come to terms with your history, more at peace in your household, more comfortable in your own skin. That’s therapeutic, right there.
The Gift Of Deciding.
Many of my highly anxious clients have a great deal of trouble making decisions of any kind. There’s a big fear of loss. Fear of making mistakes. Fear, period. A process like KonMari turns a lot of these fears on their head by the simple practice of honing the skilll of decision-making. By working through the various household categories, from most challenging to most difficult, you hone your sense of feeling into yourself, feeling into your body, feeling into your preferences and desires, and acting on them. So crucial. Many anxious folks have lost touch with their preferences after years of prioritizing others wants and needs over their own. Learning yourself is priceless. Another therapeutic pay off.
Discovery.
One of the things to emerge in the KonMari process is rediscovering and bringing forward old passions, interests, and hobbies. Re-enlivening old dreams. The things we love that are hiding away in boxes can find a place of honor and reanimate our daily experience. Our hobby spaces that had grown so out of control we couldn’t find them, or face them, can welcome us back into our creativity. A process like this can be a way of remembering who we are and what we love. We learn to take responsibility for the choices we make moving forward. Very healing.
I find the KonMari process a great companion to therapy and effective at generating meaningful and depthful work in sessions as clients work through memories, emotions, regrets, losses, relationship issues, unresolved pain from the past, challenges, decision-making, and successes. Like therapy, there is freedom waiting at the other end of the process. Sorting through our things can be a perfect mirror for the sorting, reframing, rediscovering, and healing work we do in therapy. We can create change. In our environments. In ourselves. We can dare to re-imagine ourselves and our way of being in the world.
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