When it comes to picking a venue for your premarital counseling, it really comes down to the same things it does when picking any therapist for any reason or the best venue for your wedding. Availability. Quality. Fit. Preference. Experience.
Let's Start With Preference.
Premarital counseling is provided in multiple settings. If you are part of a faith community, your community may offer faith-based premarital counseling. In fact, some churches, temples, mosques, etc. require it in order for you to be married at their site, whether you are a member of their community or not. In this case, you will most likely be offered an assessment that includes a faith-based take on the issues being evaluated. This suits some folks and doesn't suit others. Your counselor will likely have some training in how to administer the assessment and may be trained in pastoral counseling, but not actually in couples counseling. Feel free to ask some questions about their level of experience in working effectively with couples, as well as their training.
Why Seek Out A Trained Relationship Specialist?
Another option is a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT). These licensed clinicians have been trained to work with individuals and couples. In particular, the training of marriage and family therapists, as indicated by their license designation, will have focused on relationships and the nature of relationships. If you want secular or non-religious counseling, this may be the best option for you. That said, some therapists practice as Christian Therapists, or utilize other faith-based approaches and incorporate this into their clinical practices as a specialty. Always feel free to call and speak with the therapist you choose, ask them questions, and determine if they feel like a good fit for the two of you. Any therapist should be willing to offer you 15-20 minutes over the phone to get your questions answered. You may want to speak to a several different therapists. In this sense, it's not too different from taste testing your wedding cake or choosing your appetizers. You want someone who feels like a comfortable and safe fit for you.
Experience Counts.
Frankly, anyone can administer and score a premarital evaluation. The work and the art of working with couples comes afterwards and that's when experience counts. You want to work with someone who has spent years working with couples, identifying and addressing issues, and guiding couples towards healthier interactions, more productive arguments (because there will be disagreements), and more fulfilling relationships.
Almost every couple has a few issues they could stand to improve on. Identifying them early is a huge boon to the marriage and the life you are planning on building together. This kind of work and awareness is a form of relationship insurance.
It's A Little Stressy.
Yes, it can be a little stressy to even consider premarital counseling. I find this is the biggest reason couples, especially young couples, avoid premarital counseling. We imagine all kinds of things. Sometimes we're afraid we'll hear our problems are bigger than we think they are. Or that talking about difficult issues will actually cause problems rather than solve them. Or someone will tell us we shouldn't even get married in the first place! By the way, that's not your therapist's job, so it shouldn't be happening. Yes, it can be anxiety producing to even consider counseling, but that doesn't mean premarital counseling won't have real value for you.
And you know what else? It can be hard talking about issues. Definitely. And threatening. It can even make you mad. Here's the thing, though, the issues exist whether you're willing to address them from the start or not. Virtually every couple has areas they could grow in and benefit from addressing. Premarital counseling is like getting a good tune up before you hit the road. Premarital counseling can provide great training and a good foundation for moving forward and managing difficulties more smoothly as they arise.
And you know what else? It can be hard talking about issues. Definitely. And threatening. It can even make you mad. Here's the thing, though, the issues exist whether you're willing to address them from the start or not. Virtually every couple has areas they could grow in and benefit from addressing. Premarital counseling is like getting a good tune up before you hit the road. Premarital counseling can provide great training and a good foundation for moving forward and managing difficulties more smoothly as they arise.
Premarital Counseling Isn't Just For Couples With "Issues" or For Identifying Problems.
An effective and well designed premarital assessment is going to identify your strengths as a couple, areas where your opinions and values line up, and areas where you want to take extra care in terms of resolving differences of opinion.
A good assessment will require you to look closely at issues you may not have explored fully during the flurry of falling in love. Differences about money, money management, roles, interacting with extended family, and personal temperament. Knowledge like this is invaluable in creating a happy life together and setting you up to celebrate the differences and commonalities that contribute to your being a unique and loving couple.
A good assessment will require you to look closely at issues you may not have explored fully during the flurry of falling in love. Differences about money, money management, roles, interacting with extended family, and personal temperament. Knowledge like this is invaluable in creating a happy life together and setting you up to celebrate the differences and commonalities that contribute to your being a unique and loving couple.
Why Do Premarital Counseling At All?
After years of working with couples in my practice,
I can tell you one of the biggest issues in the first few years of marriage are unacknowledged and unspoken expectations of one another. Sometimes we don't even know what we expect, we only know when it hasn't happened. We figure out our unexamined expectations as a result of our unexpected resentments and disappointments. Ouch!
An effective premarital assessment will uncover unconscious expectations as well as the unvoiced. This is a huge safeguard for your relationship down the line. Once your expectations are identified, explored, and aired out, they no longer exists as landmines to trip on down the line. You won't be disappointing yourselves or each other nearly as often. Less hurt feelings. Less disappointments. Stronger, happier marriage.
I can tell you one of the biggest issues in the first few years of marriage are unacknowledged and unspoken expectations of one another. Sometimes we don't even know what we expect, we only know when it hasn't happened. We figure out our unexamined expectations as a result of our unexpected resentments and disappointments. Ouch!
An effective premarital assessment will uncover unconscious expectations as well as the unvoiced. This is a huge safeguard for your relationship down the line. Once your expectations are identified, explored, and aired out, they no longer exists as landmines to trip on down the line. You won't be disappointing yourselves or each other nearly as often. Less hurt feelings. Less disappointments. Stronger, happier marriage.
Premarital Counseling Safeguards Your Marriage.
A well designed premarital assessment tool, and some follow up counseling to look at the results will safeguard your relationship, your marriage, the stability of your family unit, and impact your ability to get along more easily by providing customized tools and information. In fact, studies suggest premarital counseling reduces divorce rates by as much as thirty percent. That's a number worth paying attention to. I value good tools, so I chose to be trained to utilize the Prepare/Enrich assessment. I find my premarital couples (and even married clients) enjoy and benefit from this assessment and review. It forms a great jumping off place for further exploration, in addition to the information it provides.
Celebrating Our Differences.
Differences are not a bad thing in a marriage. The ways in which we are different or disagree can strengthen our marriages and help us expand as individuals, provided we have an understanding and valuing of those differences.
Some differences define areas where we agree to disagree. Every marriage contains some topics such as these. When these differences are not deal breakers, then we can learn to negotiate them. Your premarital assessment can identify personality differences--there are always some--and a skilled therapist can mentor you in negotiating and understanding these differences in a productive and healthy way.
You're going to spend a lifetime learning about yourselves and each other. This is what long term committed relationship looks like. This will be true whether you invest some time in a premarital assessment and counseling now or not. Premarital counseling simply gives you a leg up. It can help you identify challenges and strengths as a couple, provide you with better understanding of those qualities, and most importantly, provide you with a great set of tools to continue your journey together.
Some differences define areas where we agree to disagree. Every marriage contains some topics such as these. When these differences are not deal breakers, then we can learn to negotiate them. Your premarital assessment can identify personality differences--there are always some--and a skilled therapist can mentor you in negotiating and understanding these differences in a productive and healthy way.
You're going to spend a lifetime learning about yourselves and each other. This is what long term committed relationship looks like. This will be true whether you invest some time in a premarital assessment and counseling now or not. Premarital counseling simply gives you a leg up. It can help you identify challenges and strengths as a couple, provide you with better understanding of those qualities, and most importantly, provide you with a great set of tools to continue your journey together.
In The Midst Of Planning Our Big Wedding, We Can Forget We Are Planning Our Big Life Together, As Well.
So, while you plan your Big Day, taste all the cakes, and interview the videographers, set aside some time to invest in your Big Life together. Build it on a good foundation of understanding. Take responsibility now for creating the sweet life you want together.
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